This is strange.

The last time you heard from me was when I was settling into my LA home. I did write back in March, had a lot of ugly things happen, and a spiritual awakening while watching the Billie Eilish documentary. However, it just didn’t pass the vibe check to put into the world. 

I’m pretty open about my mental health here, especially since the beginning of the pandemmy. I’m not going to lie to you and say it’s way better, my life went to shambles for a hot second and Coachella is STILL not back. Dopamine is still depleted. However, you can’t be a baddie if you’re not a saddie, so we’re working through it.

My friends would beg to differ though, some even going as far to say that some days I am TOO happy to be around. In the wise words of Dixie Damelio, “sometimes I don’t wanna be happy.” I’m cackling. While that could be true, as upon seeing my loved ones I go into full golden retriever excitement mode. I tend to think it’s the opposite. 

Let’s recap.

I moved to LA, thinking my life is starting over. BANK ACCOUNT WON’T STOP OVERDRAFTING. Bills and debt are just a non-stop thing for me. We get that under control. GRANDMOTHER DIES. At this point I’m wondering if I accidentally collected some toxic crystal that all the Tik Tok witches keep saying to get rid of. On a mini tangent, living in LA and getting that harrowing phone call while on my mid-day walk, was an experience to say the least. LA is very much a city where you learn to only give a shit about yourself. Some may say it’s awful, others love it. On this day, it was the best thing I needed. Screaming and crying in the middle of the street, and nobody giving me the pity to ask what was wrong, was really healing in that moment. Anyways. We start healing from that, take a social media break. My first social media break ever, it felt like rehab for an addiction. Come back to LA feeling fresh. I get about three weeks of peace, boom, good friend dies. The day before my Grandma’s funeral. I’m not really starting to look like the fun friend anymore, am I? However, if you know me, you know I have truly been through worse. So, what’s more trauma to the list?

So, wtf am I doing now? I mean, work’s awful. I got demoted for the third time in a year and a half. Apparently social media isn’t important anymore, which means we can all stop checking our favorite influencer’s page for style inspo. The media is cancelled. While I would love to cry about this, unfortunately I am just going to get called dramatic. All of a sudden, she’s crazy for recognizing her worth. Let’s shame her! Lot’s to unpack here, but that deserves a WHOLE new post in itself.

Usually, I make a playlist for everything. While recently I made a playlist for one of my best friends, I wouldn’t necessarily think it counts. I definitely am not going to make one for this moment in my life. It would just be Olivia Rodrigo’s “Deja Vu” for 12 hours straight. AND FOR ONCE I’M NOT HAVING MAN ISSUES. 

So….how do we go into Hot Girl Summer when we feel like the crustiest bitter bitch around town? Two towns actually, since I am back and forth often. I have considered being an absolute menace to society. I still might. However, I’m not ready. My friends aren’t ready either, one needs me now more than ever. The worst part is, she needs me to be a rational person now more than ever. WHAT? Now I have to take the advice I give…I shudder to think. 

I’m going to give you a song that truly has me feeling the most calm, while also feeling the most maniacal I have felt in a long time. My roommate reading this is going to have a conniption. It’s a Taylor Swift song, and we live in a home of fangirls. Four months ago, “No Body, No Crime,” was released. If you know me, you know I love a good murder podcast. Sprinkle in a little Dateline. A murder SONG?? Oh I’m levitating. I’m possessed. Everytime this song comes on, I find peace in knowing that I am not the only one who wants to put men in the bottom of the ocean. Hi everyone, welcome to me taking a Taylor Swift song completely out of context for 10 minutes. Or am I? This song makes me feel calm, sometimes it makes me cry. The crying I haven’t really unpacked yet. 

Why am I telling you this? Obviously this is a #ad and you need to go listen to the song for me to be able to pay my bills. I’m also telling you because I feel like now you’ll go evaluate what song has you reevaluating your life. It could be sad, could be murdery, could be screamy. Whatever floats your boat. Does it make you feel better? Does it make you feel like you’re about to hit the drop on Splash Mountain? Good.

I guess this overly drawn out post of me saying I’m sometimes miserable, sometimes not, is my way of saying I’m back? Most of you probably hear from me on a daily basis, I’m pretty annoying that way. Some of you don’t. Some of you don’t even really know me at all. Besides my near death Coachella experiences (I miss those). I think before festivals, clubs, events can truly come back for me this year, it’s time to be myself. While yes, that is me half the time being silly and stupid, the dark parts of my life are what made me that way. I learned to enjoy life by realizing the pain is temporary, and if I weren’t meant to be here, I would have been serial killed by now. So I guess I have a purpose to find! In finding that purpose, I’m going to be raw and real. Hot Girl Summer? Usually looks like Clown Girl Summer for me, and I love it. Maybe we’ll dive into my horrible taste in men, and why I have a dedicated playlist of anthems that pretty much tell men to f off, even though I never do. TEA!

While this post didn’t come with a playlist to set you free, it’s coming. I have to reset my life before The Weeknd drops a new album first. That’s actually why I’m back now. So you can get used to me before I start screaming about whatever is brewing. 

Until next time….


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