Although people on Instagram make Coachella out to be a perfect safe haven where nothing bad ever happens, I am here to shut down that fantasy. Don’t get me wrong, 365 days a year, I am the biggest Coachella advocate (sponsor me already??). My friends and family are probably awaiting the day that we can all go a conversation without me saying, “OMG SO LIKE THIS ONE TIME AT COACHELLA.” In my defense, it is the only music festival I have ever been to, and if you can’t already tell, music is kind of my everything. For those of you who don’t know this story, I am going to take you on one hell of a ride.
Picture this, it is Day 3 in the world famous Coachella Valley. Besides what you see on the gram, everyone is disgusting. Hair matted, eyes twitching, the worst (but comfiest) outfit is worn, and ankles are bleeding. However, with the power of live music, I am growing stronger with each passing day. I have taken on the roll of group hype man, and I may have taken it a little too far. It is important to note before moving forward, that at this time, I am not yet 21. So, already, things are off to a reckless start. We get off the shuttle, we are strutting toward the gates. It is time…to scam myself a 21+ wristband. I won’t even tell you how we pulled this off because I will not be responsible for anyone’s arrest if Coachella has cracked down on their security.
The wristband is in place, now where are we going you ask? Obviously to the beer garden. It’s 11am and I have eaten nothing except ONE brown bread from the bag of chex mix left in the hotel room. With adrenaline of breaking the law pumping through my veins, I confidently march up to the counter and order not one, but two pineapple ciders. I am going to go ahead and say, each cider was $8 and 5% alcohol. Before anyone decides to talk shit though, I ONLY ATE ONE BROWN BREAD. I sit back down with my friends and after finishing both ciders, I feel amazing. Nothing can stop me. I am in my favorite place, breaking the law, with my best friends. So i think to myself, “You deserve another cider, girl.”
Fast forward, we are about to finish the rest of our drinks, when a drunk girl who lost her friends decides to join our group. All of us being “sober” don’t want to deal with her. So, like assholes, we all scooch away until security spots her and decides to help. We get up, wave goodbye to her, and step directly into the blazing desert sun. At this moment, one of our friends sees some family or something and decides to strike up a convo. It was at this time, my world started spinning. The three pineapple ciders are starting to betray me. I put my sunglasses on and smile as if everything is okay. Everything was not okay, and it was going to get worse. We all start to walk further into the sun and dust, when our friend’s attractive pal starts to pull me toward a tent called the Do-Lab. At this point, I am convinced I have heat stroke. There is no way three pineapple ciders are about to make me black out and ditch my friends for a cute guy. I was so deep into my heat stroke that this boy was calling me Rachel and I just did not have the brain power to tell him he wasn’t even close.
My friends, thinking everything is okay because I am a great actress, excitedly say we have to go see Matt and Kim perform. So there we are, watching the performance. Except me, I am not watching, I am listening but nothing is processing. At this point, I am suspiciously quiet. Anyone who has met me knows I never shut up. My friend Summer, turns to me and says, “Hey are you ok?” I nod. My career as an actress is about to end. This particular moment is one I will never forget because for some reason it was what set me off. Kim begins telling a story about how she was waking up with nosebleeds and everyone was just assuming it was the dry desert air. She then goes to say something along the lines of, “It’s because Matt and I were having crazy sex last night!” The crowd cheers. Me? I turn around and absolutely start to sprint out of there. Where am i going? The bathroom? A dark corner to die? I had no idea. Luckily, I have friends who love me and would never let me run off with no cell service alone. I hear footsteps running behind me and turn around, it’s Alex. She grabs my hand and rushes me to the bathroom. To my dismay and shock, my body has absorbed all of the alcohol and i cannot do anything but dry heave and cry. I settle for a nice 30 minute nap in the shade and wake up to Summer and Alex bringing me KBBQ tacos.
After my nap, I oddly returned back to my normal state to devour some tacos and resume making questionable decisions for the night. For anyone who doesn’t know me reading this, you just got one hell of a look into what life with me is like. The moral of the story is, eat breakfast, it really is the most important meal of the day apparently. Also, for anyone who is going to ask, no I have never had pineapple cider since and I am not really sure I ever will!